Snowfall
You are not just Now, but the product of every Now before.
You are the pain and the strength from it,
You are the fleeting emotions of grief and love,
You are a dancer in the heart of winter,
You are everything before and all learned after,
You are every single one of the potentially infinite number of lives before this one,
You are a river, not just a blink in the present,
You have a trail behind you, and your current self is none other than the most evolved state in an iterative process of growth,
You are far stronger than you realize,
You are incredibly strong; give yourself more credit than you do.
Know your strength, go beyond the fear, and use it, use your strength;
For good. For peace. For love. For all.
- A re-association note to myself, and to whoever else needs to hear it
If not now, then when?
“To actually protect the people, or act too out of abstract ideals that you forget the people you wish to protect in the first place?”
There’s a way to free everyone, anything is possible - probable? No, but possible, and that’s why it’s worth trying, because if not us, then who? If we don’t wake up and choose to fight for a better world we wanna live in, who will? Who will make that choice for us, other than us?
4.22.2026
[…]
this is the one im listening to rn
the first song i ever listened to by them was when i was up snowboarding during a snowstorm and you could barely see out beyond a few feet,
me and my dad were drinking hot chocolate on this cabin-esk porch of this restaurant at the resort, and this emo song was playing and it was insanely atmospheric with the moment,
it was the perfect song
it was like echoing out and reverberating against the mountains almost, as if the entire valley was listening along with it too
but it wasnt like crazy loud either yknow? idk it just filled the air in a way i cant really put to words
and i had spent the next 4 days too
trying to figure out which song it was, bc i could barely make the lyrics out bc it was from a speaker pretty far away (hence the echoey, atmospheric touch to it)
but i figured it out! :3
[it was Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional!]
Things are the way they are meant to be because it’s the only way it could’ve been, because the things happened the way they are for they are the happening too.
Things are the way they are and things exist because they continue to keep being there each and every instant, even when we close our eyes and expect them to be gone in the next - to our amazement, they persist; we persist
I wrote something like this to someone in my dream just before waking up
“I love you THISSSSSS much! I love you THISSSSSSSSSSS much! :)”
something my mom would say to us all the time when I was young, putting her arms out as wide as she could stretch each time, and then going right back in again to stretch them somehow even wider
“Talent is useless, show me passion” - from a friend
Character; psychic bird / quail with antenna that only transmits silly bird simple thoughts lmao
Love isn’t a business transaction; it is a cosmic interaction, the ultimate form of freedom we can probably come to know.
Love is not a bird in a cage, but a bird soaring through the velvet sky.
Love is not a tool to some end, it is the end, and it is the beginning.
Love is what we are, and what we shall always eventually return to, so it seems.
Set your Love free. Set yourself free. Feel deeply any injustices upon another. Work to assist them, in setting themselves free too, decisions made by them and not by you, and hold the compassion to forever try your best to understand and love them for all of them all the same.
https://open.spotify.com/track/2vCIdE9sFsAL5wCbpzylod
Freedom
Just being, is forever enough
Having been at all, is forever enough
Looking at the stuffed raven head on
“Do you remember?”
“Yes, yes I do.”
Parts of me communicating and acting out, as two separate beings, three separate beings, however many, each neuron a person, each infinitesimal bit of energy its own soul and all together a collective soul, one in the same, soothing and mending itself
“Yeah im in paradise, but im in paradise without you” - a friend, talking about one of incubus’s albums, Morning View, and what it means to them
“Are you willing to do what should be done, or only ever what you want to do?”
“Are you willing to stand up and fight for justice against the oppressors, or sit aside and pretend all is fine?”
“Because I know what side I am choosing.”
9.5.2026
Standing here watching my friends pass and interact with my family, here for a sleepover after a long day of fun and silliness, again I realize how fortunate I am, how beautiful life can be, how magical and tearjerking and joyous this heaven is beyond the illusion of suffering
Kindness is a wisdom
It’s never too late to start living
the agony and heartache only builds my capacity to feel and to heal; strength from the struggle
There is no such thing as being good enough or not good enough; there is simply being yourself, or not being yourself.
I cry, as I watch leaves fall from the tree outside my window
“Oh look, it’s my friends again”
8.27.2026
Jellyfish and gryphons :)
apathy is a form of death
you are a river of love, not a destination of love
I wish I could share it with everyone, and yet, I suppose I don’t need to - everyone is it already, everyone shares themself with themself already, I wish they could see how beautiful they are, how lovely and mythical they are
But I wanna put on a spectacle on the world stage, I wanna bleed with passion and love and do the grandest display of art I can, I just don’t know fully yet how to do it exactly, but I think a big grand work of art is contributing even greater to the collective revolution, I just so desperately wish we all can wake up and choose love, I’m willing to even put my life on the line just at a chance of helping the people, and especially at a chance of us finally entering an era of global love and harmony and moving beyond our foolish immature past… finally choosing, to “grow up.”
Had a dream […] another person at some point in the dream deep in the mansion or before it was explaining to me how the universe has “infinite entropy” as in like “it’s all the paths” given enough time, or perhaps infinite paths that can be chosen from at any given time and it felt so liberating and beautiful and I was running down this road next to a fence and golden hills and the sun shining and I thought
“Is this heaven? For a being; probably, yeah”
and it was playing like cage the elephant or something and “aoooouuuuuuuuaaaaa, this is always enough, aaooooouuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaa, I think you’re so beautiful” and stuff it was so beautiful and perfect for the scene and just thought abt all the fun and all the people living different lives and paths and how wonderful we all are and it was making me actually nearly crying when I woke up,
I took a picture too of the scene and wanted to make a new playlist with that song playing that doesn’t even exist and I just made up in my head with the pic as the playlist cover,
it had like a red old rounded pickup truck floating in the air, telephone tower, the golden hills and the barbed fence, the clouds, and something else
I felt so insanely happy and it’s carried into the real world too after waking up
It felt like I was a kid again at the end of the dream too, new adventures awaited, and I could be anything I chose, we all could be anything and everything, and I was (and still am) so amazed and in love with the universe
It’s all us
“Does it know the universe is kind?” - from minecraft credits heehee
When you’re out of one loop, you’re in another; so you’re never really missing out
https://www.sbnation.com/a/17776-football https://youtu.be/2-GHgnJKEOw crazy cool inspiration
If you’re feeling like shit abt urself; get a piece of paper out and lay out the reasoning
“Would you hold other people to that same standard?”
“Is the reasoning actually sound?”
Counter argument: “Why am i actually a really smart person? Why do i actually deserve even more?”
Etc
“You’ve accepted your subconscious being the bully, when you wouldn’t allow that with anyone else or your friends saying that to you” - from a new friend
“I will choose to be strong.”
“I am as free as i allow myself to be. As free as i choose.”
“I choose to be free.”
“I choose to reach for freedom.”
“I choose to hold no regrets nor weights of any kind.”
“I am Now. And I am becoming what i choose.”
Following her death… although it may feel completely alien; the world is still its same everchanging self.
letting the tide take you where you were already headed; far, far from me
Currently, I am a homosapien!
The best endings are new beginnings
We must fight to see this dream become reality
For us and for all after
Liberation must come
And it must be actively sought out and brought out
Let love be your bladeless sword and greatest strength, let compassion be your gentle fire and timeless reminder, and may determination for liberation be your guiding wind and ultimate wisdom.
I realize rn too the entire universe is around me, hugging me, even true vacuum empty space is still fluctuating, energy all around me and perhaps infinite in every direction, partially claustrophobic at the idea when u really focus on how you’re absorbed and encased by it but so too you are hugged by it always and constantly anywhere u go
Remember all you’ve gone through. All you’ve endured. All the moments where you broke free and did something you never saw yourself capable of before. You’ve always had the power, and always will.
“If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but the same amount of snow.” - James Clear
Same AND different; no other way everything could be to each other
Many ones, collectively one in any and every combination, still different but still the same, still unique yet still a “mirror reflection” of the other
What comes after Now, is Now.
What comes after it, is itself.
What comes after you, is yourself.
What comes after us, is ourself.
Do it out of love for yourself or another, not resent for the other
“Don’t skip this life, or you are living a mindset that would suggest you might just skip every life you have arrive before you.”
“Live each, including this one.”
“Live, in general.”
I’d rather try and do it and fail, than never attempt at all.
are you scared of the greater freedom the open air brings?
now you’ve grown wings, but do you hesitate to use them?
to change to a different, more free lifestyle by exerting some of that energy and using it to soar? why?
…why?
“I need not capture the butterfly, but be it - I need not chase the moment, but free it.” Something I keep telling myself when I need to hear it most; it really helps too.
Free the moment. Free Now.
Despite the horrors, my life is awesome :)
You moved with such weight, such color, such intention and elegance.
You amaze me.
You amaze me.
I love you, and I cry as I write this.
I love you.
[me]
Did I ever tell you why I’m straight edge
[friend #1]
nawt really nyope
[me]
One of the main reasons at least, if not the main reason
It was a promise to myself and to my mom I made one night when I was a kid
[friend #1]
thats cute
its sweet to hear
I can respect that a lot
[friend #2]
i also made that promise and then my mom bought me an edible lmao
[me]
My mom struggled a lot with addiction due to the trauma she endured as a child from my biological grandfather amongst many other things and it’s what took her life, but despite it she lived an incredibly strong and amazing and loving and impactful life regardless and constantly would go to rehab to try and get better for me and my siblings
I made the promise especially because it’d be an insult to her imo if I ever replicated what she’d never wish on me, she even told me once addiction runs in our genes and my whole family is alcoholics and that if I ever fell into the rabbit hole too to be empathetic and loving and understanding of myself and it’s not my fault - but I still haven’t fallen into it nor do I plan to and it’s one of a few promises I’ve made on her behalf [and kept]
[friend #1]
ive seen far too many lose themselves
[me]
Yeah
[friend #1]
to have the strength to have kept pushing despite all that she was going through
she held immense strength in her to keep going as far as she did
not only that but an incredible amount of love
[…]
[me]
My mom was incredibly based and supportive always too and actually had super diverse friends and queer friends and was the first person who told me trans people exist and always told me God was loving no matter what and always and everyone goes to heaven and she was Christian and also partially Buddhist and would meditate a lot and wear shirts like “Namaste (nah imma stay) in bed” lol :3
she was a dork and super silly too and was the first family member I came out to as gay at the time (I didn’t get to ever tell her I was trans tho bc I realized after she passed) and she was so casual about it like nothing changed at all and immediately went on to be like “sooooo any boys you likeeeee? :3” and on my behalf told members of my family ahead of time so they wouldn’t be mean to me and that they’d understand and stuff including my dad actually
[friend #1]
I’d consider it a blessing that you had a figure like that in your life
[friend #3]
I think she had a lot of influence on who you ended up being and I love that
[me]
Absolutely
She was one of my best friends ever and one of my favorite people in the universe
I am incredibly fortunate and everyone deserves someone like her as a mom
(reply to friend #3):
1000% :3
Many times I realize
I am in many many ways a continuation of her life
I feel like I am her sometimes
In many ways I am, in many ways I am not too
[friend #3]
real
☯️
[…]
[friend #1]
I think more so she helped you become your own person rather than being an explicit retelling of who she was to you
[me]
Exactly
And part of me being me is my love for her
And because I love her I picked up some of her ways in my own way
A big reason why I wish to so deeply spread love in the world in every way I can is because she showed me by example what that entails
I wanna do the same
Because love is the greatest fucking thing I can probably ever comprehend
[…]
[friend #4]
she rlly was based af
[me]
You would’ve loved her 🥲
She would’ve loved you
[friend #4]
fr it really is more of a “everyone and everything lost this moment of your mother when she passed. She will be found in the next, whenever it comes.”
[me]
Yes
She simply changed forms
On my site and for PTNR
I use the illusive and mysterious line “Mom’s sleeping.” sometimes
It is in reference to this
I think of it as my mom in a deep rest
As the energy that once made her up is in urns, and some spread across the world now
[friend #4]
I love that
[me]
She never died, for her change of forms is actually a continuation of what ultimately is “life”; flow
[friend #4]
thats so like mystical and impactful
of a phrase
[me]
:)
I try to pour my everything into my art
Hehe
(reply to earlier message of my own):
She is simply just in a state now where she (likely) isn’t aware of her ongoing existence
No different than sleeping and not having a dream or forgetting the dream when you wake up
That’s my guess, anyways
grateful, to be, and to be able to love all whom i love in this life,
and for my mom