i love computers and all that n stuff and i totally could pursue a career with that stuff, but at the same time, with how horrible ppl are in that industry and un-passionate everyone is nowadays, i often find myself getting my life/passion drained from me by just the sheer un-happiness and deadness of everyone else pursuing / in that field, so many ppl just do it for the money. it really makes me think, yknow, maybe i should pursue something like environmental studies / science and stuff so i can work towards helping save nature and the world and stuff which is another big thing i wanna do no matter what, i dont need a degree for it - and i also am totally gonna guaranteed work towards being on ski patrol, and a park ranger someday too maybe, and still do lifeguarding throughout my life, and i wanna travel the world and meet so many ppl and engage in all kinds of cultures no matter what - the tech stuff, in hindsight, is something im passionate for but dont absolutely need in my life, itd be for me to be able to innovate and maybe beat ppl to a superintelligent AI before ppl abuse it to all hell yknow, and also pay for my travels fully so i dont gotta worry abt money, but then again, i dont even like money!!!! i like giving my stuff to everyone else bc i already have everything i ever need!!! it makes me wanna cry im so grateful for what i have in the now and i know it wont last forever, idek, but i just know all that stuff i said for sure like i wanna just go out and see ppl but then at the same time its like with this brain fog too it feels like i cant maintain eye contact or think properly idk its just so hard to socialize but imma keep trying and not give up bc thats all i can really do after 5 years with this is i gotta either choose to totally give up or keep going and ive chosen the 2nd every time so far so imma keep doing it - ..yea and with my brain fog it feels like it only progressively gets worse over time and im likely just overthinking n stuff rn and not in the greatest state of mind but rn it just feels like its so hard to think computer-wise at least compared to how it used to be for me before the onset of this, and meanwhile i still have all A’s but its just gosh its definitely not an advantage i can tell you that haha, i just wanna do so much good and its so hard mentally sometimes and i got dysmorphia so damn hard and idek wtf to consider myself so i just keep telling myself “i’m me” when i cant think of what i am but then sometimes im just “but what is ‘me’?” and i dont NEED to be able to answer that question but it feels like im so lost sometimes idek im just ranting but point being all i can do is try and im gonna do that regardless and even if i wind up homeless someday i will stil be able to find just as strong of a light within myself bc all those fancy social labels, monetary values, and etc are just illusions produced by use, but that eternal summer within is something sacred that most ppl cant find, and imma try and do as much as i can to spread it and make ppl happy even if its just on a local level idk

• Message i sent to my friend over discord, 9/13/2023