Italy Trip - Journal Entries
Journal Entries During My Trip To/From Italy
7-2-2024 Journal entries:
1.) If every thing is analogous to everything, and since everything seemingly came from absolutely nothing, and since it poofing into existence seems to not be predictable / pre-determined as there’s nothing dictating everything above everything that it was ever supposed to, does that mean we, by inheritance, have free will? That the future truly is unwritten? Maybe a mix of both written and unwritten, the balance once again between the two vices where it is most stable.
[One of my favorite things I’ve ever written and forgot I wrote :3 :) -8/13/2025] 2.) To some, stars bursting into supernovae, black holes ripping celestial bodies to shreds, the Big Bang itself, may seem violent due to the amount of forces at play; but perhaps, what if this is merely another way for the universe to show passion, drive, love in its craft? In its creation of something new? Are we any different, when we go on to feel every emotion, teeming with life and energy, love and hate and beyond the two vices, to create something stemming from ourselves, reflecting ourselves, sharing ourselves?
- 7/2/2024
3.) Calling infinity, “infinity,” is still putting a label to it, thus in some capacity limiting its depth; not really doing infinity quite the justice it deserves, if anything, much like how the name of God is in some religions, it should be silence, a blank space, a peek into that same empty canvas beneath our feet, beneath it all, above it all, molding it all, intertwined with all - I need to continue to remind myself, that even when I come to think of these things of infinity and beauty, that thinking in those same repeated words will overtime have potential to reduce its charm, its magic. I’ll figure it out. I’ll figure out a way out of this mindset, and progress my previous mindset of pure love even further than it was before. If there’s a way, I’ll find it. I will keep trying my best until I’m dead, because now that I’ve found this resolve, I’m never letting it go.
- 7/2/2024
4.) From birth, everyone was a stranger. And at some various points, some of those strangers became more than strangers; friends, and family, our connections to one another like the neurons in our brains became stronger over time. I like to think of all those whom I haven’t met yet, to simply be friends I haven’t befriended just yet. And to those who seem too cold hearted, stubborn, hurt, or whatever it may be to even consider a friendship with me, there is always still some possible way to find a middle ground between the two, it’s simply a matter of coming to know each other well enough to see a path through, and having the courage, empathy, and wisdom to take it, even if it involves you having to admit your faults, to take verbal beatings from the other, who so desperately continues to try and keep their wall up between you two, you can still overcome it with enough kindness, with enough humanity, I’m sure.
- 7/2/2024,
P.S. I guess im writing a lot on this plane ride, huh? Haha, guess I’ve been feeling a bit more inspired again recently :) each time I go to lay my head down on this complimentary delta airlines pillow, I can’t help but gently drift away into thought, and then when I think of something like this where I don’t want to forget by the time I wake up, I go to, once again, unzip the pocket on my bag, take out my phone, and begin typing.
7-5-2024:
When you learn something new, experience something new, create something new which thus is also a new thing you’ve come to know and experience, you grow. You grow a version of yourself unlike any that came before, and so, you are born anew once again. Reborn every instant as someone new, but still the “same”; same goes for everything else, for the same tree is always growing but it is never the exact same shape as before.
7-7-2024:
1.) I feel like when we die, we’re back to the same nothingness as before, but we’re immortal in the moments we lived and memories we share with others, bc we exist in time but the thing time stems from is timeless, so at least to that node we’re all immortal every single second. I used to think of a conscious God, and an afterlife, but what could be more peaceful than simply being back to being “one with God?” Aka, the root of everything: a nothing beyond nothing, infinite and deathless.
2.) My body feels like matter that was never meant to exist, like it takes up space that it doesn’t deserve, that it shouldn’t have, no matter where I go, I’m always in the way, taking up space that wasn’t ever mine.
7-9-2024 Journal entries (this day was GREAT for writing, a lot of free time to think):
1.) Listening to bello e impossibile on the drive home, eyes closed, bathing in sunlight through the car window with a view of so many more beauties of Italy, remembering exactly why I chose the path I did, because I have already been down the path of heartbreak, of despondence, of indifference, but I sit here realizing once again how everything is such a wonderful gift, and so, I can say yet again, “Thank you.” for everything happening in the first place, that I’m exactly where I was always meant to be, that if I was born with everything I wanted then that’d defeat the point, that the pain gives the journey depth and growth, and that I’m still growing, that that most “me” version of me is always inside me, just sometimes there are more filters atop than other times, more blurry and cloudy when I look below through the waters I float in down to the bottom, harder to see the ocean floor. I’m really going to miss Italy. I’ll be back someday if I can help it.
I still have more love to give. I am the gift, too, you know; if everything is a gift, then so am I, and I’ll try to be as best a gift I can be. I still have my show I want to make, at the very least episode 3. I have new passions from this trip, so I’ll see where they take me. Che bellissima.
2.) That drive is still there, somehow, in some way. It amazes me every time I manage to regain it despite the circumstances.
3.) On a quest to see the most amount of beauty I can, more than I can imagine now, keep expanding my perspective, the width of the horizon, the sky, the sea, and the ground.
4.) If you can be comfortable and find joy in learning about new languages and cultures and people, even if some are grouchy even in the most beautiful places, why not be the same everywhere, Ashli/Hunter? Be kind even back home to everyone? We can do it.
5.) No one does it quite like I do. So I’ll do it like I do, for everything else that can’t.
6.) Everything is a gift. Thus, I am the gift, too. I live to do the things only I can do in my specific, one-of-a-kind way, even if incredibly similar to many others before me, alongside me, or ahead of me, none are ever the exact same than these moments experienced through my eyes, my gifts I have the ability to choose to give to others, to the world, to everything. I am my own version of everything, my own cosmos, dancing with the rest of the stars. I’ll make it fucking count, you can bet on that.
7.) When I’m back from Italy, I need to try my hardest to keep that same mindset alive; getting out daily, exploring, saying a kind hello to everyone I see, and not limiting myself to the confines of my room; my wings will only spread if I choose for them to do so, and that’s precisely what all these journal logs are amalgamating to: inching my wings out more and more bit by bit with every new day, every new opportunity, every new version of now.
8.) Remember not to limit yourself to the words of others, do not conform simply because they say you must; think. Think it all through as best you can, like you’ve always done. Find the best solution. You know you have the potential. Seize it. Burn, burn towards that day, towards that peace for all, love for all.
9.) I usually would write these entries with the intent of others seeing them, but recently more and more are written more so with the direct intent of reminding myself, empowering myself when I occasionally have a harder time recalling all these many many things I’ve come to realize over the years, acting as a light to guide out of the fog for my future self.
10.) Continue to recognize any semblance of an ego should it arise again, and release it gently, regain your true face.
11.) Find your way back to where you were in February, but even higher, a newer higher state, where you embrace learning to the maximum, experiencing as much as you can. Remember the Bodhisattva.
12.) Please spend more time with dad and your family. You love them so fucking much but isolate yourself. Please spend more time, because more time with them is never guaranteed. Please please.
https://open.spotify.com/track/4F7SWwVXyvGlCs9TtXJbUd?si=RjQgashhTFaPigdu_eBdkQ
13.) Let your previous knowledge of even the more complex stuff sit at the forefront of your mind. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t let it fade away. Endure it, and keep trying to strengthen those neurons in your brain to keep them fresh for when you need them soon.
14.) It is not YOU who has changed, it is your brain. Even if you ARE merely just your thoughts produced by the brain and nothing more, that doesn’t change your connections to your past selves whatsoever; you are all of us combined. That drive, that undying resolve (that ironically feels as if it died a bit in recent weeks), will always be there in the past, waiting for you to reach back through the mirror and grab it. Just try to remember; that’s what these entries are for, after all (and for fun, and I love to write). The medication / puberty 2.0 is making your brain fog again; overcome it, like you did before. It’s different and new this time around, but you know what you’re capable of. Overcome it and conquer this new mental fog, and rise above it, so you can figure out even better what you truly want to do the most in this world. You’ll find it. Keep going.
https://open.spotify.com/track/3LqvmDtXWXjF7fg8mh8iZh?si=8VaVsczjQ1ObcjXtuB_tbw
15.) This fog is a new challenge. Beat it.
16.) Remember that nothing is guaranteed and nothing really goes according to plan or what you predict 100%; what happens after death may be just as unpredictable. You keep thinking that after death you return to pure nothingness but you survive through everything else, your body recycled back into the system much like how everything else is a collection of cycles and recursion, but you still don’t fully know anything, you just think you know, you’re still just guessing, but don’t fully settle on your guess if you wish to still leave room for refining it further. After death you may wake up in some higher plane of reality, or maybe you wake up as someone else, bc you may as well be everyone. You may as well be everybody and everything, bc we all are connected in every way so it already is essentially just that; it appears the truest way to win this crazy game, is for universal love and peace to become prevalent for all things. Or maybe that’s merely just the HUMAN game; maybe there are other “games” out there, games we can only begin to truly play once we learn the rules (much like our own, hardship being a pathway to peace, each and everything is an extension of yourself, love yourself and all things, etc) or beyond death. Or, something entirely beyond comprehension. If you were to ask your deathless self before birth, a nothing beyond nothing, you couldn’t comprehend anything let alone the world you’d come to be apart of, so this life may as well be just like that too for whatever comes after this one, a deathless state with filters on top, windows letting the light in - don’t think that it is certain that you return to what you think you will return to, despite that seeming to make the most sense; never ever really needed to “make sense” to begin with for it to still be, that is where true meaning lies as far as I can tell right now. Simple, and the illusion of complexity through tons of recursion of simple things in simple ways, but nonetheless infinitely, ineffably gorgeous.
17.) Give dad and your family more hugs. When you wanna remember exactly why, think back to how you felt on the drive to the Aeroporto in Italia, listening to bello e impossibile, thinking how wonderful it was for anything to happen in the first place, how fortunate you are to have your family and for everything to happen exactly the way it did. You had lost your sight as to why you were going after these dreams and goals and etc in the first place, you lost your sense of identity, those mementos (memories) from the past became hazy and you couldn’t recall them; hence, this is just another way the universe has come to guide you, you guiding yourself, to relive precisely why you arrived at what you did, feeling that same trapped feeling / jealousy / other foolish feelings you did when you were younger and confused, just for you to once again rise above it slowly over time, solidifying further your resolve, and refining your perspective even more. All the more experience you gain will only grow you; there is no such thing as good or bad experience, but merely experience; being, regardless of the state, is still a state nonetheless, thus just as ineffably beautiful as anything else every single instant. Me writing in this way right now, is a direct piece of evidence showing that I am, indeed, “still in there,” my truest face, the most “me” I’ve yet to discover so far, the best side of me I have to offer. Somehow I always manage to break out of the shell again and again. Check back when you can once again sincerely say “I wouldn’t change a damn thing”; although I can say that right now and know it’s true and it all happens the way it’s supposed to, there are still other things I’m dealing with and things I can’t even put a word to as to why I feel bad, it’s very strange but I’ll figure it out by slowly, continuously addressing it directly internally. I’ll find my way back, and by “back” I mean somewhere new, and the most “me” I’ve ever been so far; the most I’ve ever come to progress. No one ever said it’d be easy, nor that the challenges would stop once I figured out the “rules of the game”; for a bit I was disappointed that may have been the case and it was like “what now? can I go any higher than this now, or is this it?” which I suppose is still foolish ego / sense of self in some way, but then again, may as well try and have fun in life no matter what, right? Doing your utmost best to do the best for all, and having fun and being passionate and loving about it every step of the way? Because I’m not just some artificial machine who does everything perfectly as calculated, I’m a piece of the universe knowing itself, a piece that can stumble and fall and get pushed around in the current, but still finding a way through the rapids, dehydrated and starved through the day and night, staying afloat somehow despite even the harshest weather, the deepest wounds, I can still find my way back to the sky from the ground by building my own ladder, and I’ll do it again and again if I have to, that’s precisely what mom would’ve wanted too, what every fiber of my being wishes to do, to climb as high as I fucking can, to do as much good as I can for everyone, to give it my best guess, and I’ll keep trying to do just that, I’ll climb to the fucking stars, I’ll climb to the end of the universe and beyond, count on it. I may not succeed fully because I can’t guarantee anything much like how this life doesn’t guarantee anything other than perhaps death, but damnit, I’m gonna try my best. ⁃ 7/9/2024, 5:48pm in Italy, on plane ride still back home
https://open.spotify.com/track/7nPYCeSyi1Chcr2o95Eqe1?si=Bf7Ktkg2Q_GMMszqe79AkQ
https://open.spotify.com/track/0lP4HYLmvowOKdsQ7CVkuq?si=g5uJixJHQ0Gs3Zf_ghmg_A
18.) Make the world you wish to see a reality. Do not limit yourself to the past, the present, or the predicted future. Think with no weights, with no overhead labels or words spoken by others to hinder your ability to go beyond words.
19.) You are both. You are neither. You are beyond even the idea of “both”s and “neither”s. You are beyond words. You are rooted in something beyond the idea of “things” entirely, same goes for all else, but it’s up to them to choose whether they rise to their calling, or remain buried under all of these filters forced upon them by our artificial systems that tend to only really act as distractions. Are you going to rise, fellow Uraeus? Or not? Choose. 8
20.) Maybe stop browsing insta, even tho you only follow likeminded people; but that’s precisely the reason why you probably should, because not only does it shape your ideas to be more like others and not as fitting of your specific tree you have so far, but it also makes you feel shitty, like it’s already taken care of, that others will fill your spot, but nobody can fill your exact spot, Kai/Ashli/Hunter. Although there will be many similar, albeit some incredibly similar, people in this world to you, no one is ever the exact 100% same, otherwise that’d defeat the entire purpose / structure / recursive + changing nature of everything we know of; to replicate, more and more recursion but with change over time and depending on each individual piece of the whole with just as much potential to change in far more ways than just one, even if it’s just simply going to a different position in space, that’s still change, that still makes it THAT thing, and not the OTHER thing even if they were exact clones. And last time you checked, there isn’t an identical clone of your body merged perfectly with yourself right now, right? Even if that was the case, then that’d still just be YOU, but the entire fucking universe isn’t just YOU, too, right? So that just further goes to show what I said above; you must do what only you specifically are capable of gifting to this world. You are the gift in this world, in this universe and beyond, all a gift, a bouquet of every kind of unique flower; give as much as you can. Give it your all. Give yourself to everything you can.
7-9-2024.16
https://open.spotify.com/track/5tzS3iciXJp9N90UqxZvTB?si=jKb_sCq_QeChyyiUg_drMw
https://open.spotify.com/track/7lYrz70DntWR7o8Sqfz0Ok?si=QWUPjV3rSfKuuySDMNXT4w
21.) A lot of people will say the same stuff as you, a lot of people may even word it the exact same way and be like “hey, you took my thing!” But alas, we’re all essentially identical at the core, rooted in the same things and the same ultimate no-thing, all on this same planet with the same resources at hand, such much like why jungian archetypes across essentially every religion ever despite them never needing to meet each other face to face, we too share archetypes in our other forms of art (religion, a perspective on life, a moral guidebook, etc can be viewed as a work of art in and of itself, much like stories too that are made to portray the moral compass of the religion and so on! Another little new neat epiphany I’ve had, despite already knowing everything truly is art, that connection right there ties so much to my past self who was obsessed with religions especially, and ofc plays into my current self now too). By “other forms of art,” that’s essentially anything we do whatsoever, including our words we speak, and since each language only has a finite number of words / approximations for particular feelings (even if the word is a better approximation for some than others in that moment they use it), it only makes sense, much like how the thought experiment with the chimp using a typewriter for infinity will go on to type every sentence and phrase and work of literature ever, we, too, are essentially all collectively make up that chimp on the typewriter, sometimes making duplicate outputs on that infinite sheet of paper. Nonetheless, it is still ineffably, infinitely beautiful, because, of course, it still “is” and that ties into sooo much else (by sooo much else, I mean like literally everything and beyond) as I’ve described before a billion and one times, you get the point though.
22.) I love myself, in this moment. I’m really excited too, even if sometimes not on the forefront bc my mind being on other things, about the changes I’m currently having and going to have on HRT ＼＼\٩( ‘ω’ )و //／／ it’s still fairly new of a process to me and still tryna figure it all out, but all signs point to me to keep keeping on with what I’ve chosen to do; whenever I ask myself if I’d wanna go back to like just being a guy and stuff, I know fully I’ve never liked having body hair, facial hair, big feet, big hands, masculine facial features, a deep voice, short hair, boy clothes, and how I’m seen by other at first glance of being a “man” and being “unapproachable,” whereas I view myself to be very nurturing and kind, only when I was stuck and confused as a boy I’d be very angry with myself and everything around me and be stuck in limbo, in the passenger seat; but me choosing to do this is me getting in the driver seat, and it’s still sometimes scary, and the only thing that really at all keeps me from fully hopping to the “I fully wanna be seen as a woman :3” side is simply how others may think of me, and it can be very daunting but I overcome it each time and remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, and hence why I’m writing this down again for me to remember in case I feel shitty again; I’m always me, at my core and everyone else’s cores I believe us all to be genderless bc we’re rooted in, once again, a root in which all things stem from, hence a higher authority than things themselves, so not even necessarily a thing at all, aka beyond words as well and countability and etc., but all this to say even when I feel like “I’m a weird monster and freak and idk what to do and how to portray myself” if that ever does come to be, I’m still me. Gender is just another of may constructs, really me wanting to be a female is just me trying to attain peace between my mind and my body for what I fully believe to be a biological, unchangeable factor I’ve had since birth much like sexuality, and because it is the mind that dictates the body and not the other way around, it only makes sense for me to change what I can change (my external self which is actually constantly changing even when I’m sitting still much like everything else but especially with cells constantly dying and replacing themselves and so many different factors all at once determining my external self), and accept what I can’t change (aka my brain structure that I can’t just go in and perform surgery on myself to “fix” because there’s nothing to fix, this is simply me, just like how anybody else, born with whatever unchangeable factors they are born with, are simply them, it all simply is, and no one else is to say what is more valuable than anything else or more “normal,” all of that shit is entirely an artificial illusion, the most abnormal thing I’ve ever come to know as a human being is the very idea of “normal,” like dude, just take a look around you, how absurd and weird and wacky and incredible it is for anything at all to exist in the first place! And you wish to try and limit it to such a boring, soulless definition of “ordinary”? “Normal”? How foolish, and I’m sorry you think of it in that way, I used to think that way too for a long time, but now I’m here, you can find your way too, trust me, if someone like me of all people can do it, I know you can too, we’re all the fucking same but entirely different after all haha, both and neither and beyond).
23.) Do what dad said; go out and meet new people. Go out and explore even if nobody else wants to go with you; you’ve done that already with your way of thinking, haven’t you? Going solo, to the far reaches of the unknown? Do it externally, too. You know you want to.
24.) Get over your fear of potentially nobody ever seeing these writings. You can share as you want, but don’t do it out of fear. Don’t do anything out of fear, even if it’s like how you got it going rn where most of it is out of simply wanting to share it and help others, but using that to mask the subtle fear you have of it maybe never being anything to anyone else. You already have yourself here to give it meaning, to make it, to make it be in the first place and you don’t need eyeballs and foreign neurons to give it its depth. Make it to make it, share it to share it, help others to help others, ends to themselves much like how the creation of art is, art being an end to itself.
25.) Ask dad if you can go to Japan or something (maybe Germany, Spain, France, Canada, Alaska, Central America) this summer for couple days or so like he offered - you know deep down you want to haha. It’s all about initiative. That’s one of your biggest internal challenges for sure; to just START, to not drown yourself in thought before acting and instead just GOING, seeing where it takes you. Master that, and holy shit.
26.) Don’t try to hook onto your old outlook on life even if you think it was better; keep going with the current, let it guide you to a newer, even more elevated state of being. Do not fight the change. Embrace it. Embrace yourself. You can choose to go against it, but fighting it is just foolish; how are you to get anywhere if you’re stuck swimming against the river in the same spot forever until you’re too fatigued to continue? How are you to see new views around the corner if you just do that your whole life?
27.) Every second, every instant, is an ultimatum. Everything continues to choose to keep being everything, to keep being, even though it may be for no particular ultimate reason / meaning at all; but just because it’s not meaningful, that doesn’t at all mean it’s meaningless. It’s beyond duality entirely, beyond any sort of dichotomy. Hence, in every instant, every ultimatum, it’s not so much a dichotomy, but really it just picks both and neither on every level, taps into the concept of a multiverse yet again lol, but we still need to focus on what’s in front of us for the time being, and keep dreaming of what’s not in front of us, not out of desire, but out of curiosity, passion, love for the craft (the universal and beyond universal craft of existing).
28.) If you wanna be a pioneer in AI and beat the bad mfs and use it for good, you’re gonna wanna get a deeper understanding on the legal system / business shit / etc to protect your ideas and also on running a business and starting up a group and so on.
29.) We’re all “chosen,” everything is all “chosen,” it’s just a matter of whether or not you choose to answer to what’s been speaking to you all along, what everything’s been silently, blatantly saying to your face.
30.) Renaissances of art are not just a handful of the most popular ones from the era, those are simply the ones you know because they had more reach than the others; right now you see many very similar to your own, and it is precisely for that reason you should keep working on it in your own way in this renaissance despite whether or not it is one of those few that are truly remembered, bc all of the genuine art in this era is primarily made as an end to itself, the same as yours, the rest may as well be chance, just give it your all, don’t let similar works get you down, embrace this age of transcendental art shared with many who love it as much as you do
31.) Make something that will inspire the next generation, the same how it was for you growing up with so many great passionate things around; now more than ever the new generation needs genuine passionate works to help guide them to also go on and make their own stuff out of their own passions instead of the mainstream clickbaity, soulless content that’s out there right now. Counterbalance it.
32.) You’re seeing that joyous, happy side of yourself again; keep writing. Keep addressing these feelings. You got this shit. You’ve been through worse. And even if what you come to face is the worst ever, you know you can conquer it too. One step at a time. Anything truly is possible. At the very least, you’re gonna try. That’s what humans are pretty good at.
33.) Don’t conform to labels and genres, even if people label your shit to be “just that,” never think of it as “just that,” nothing is ever “just” anything, it all is everything and beyond, especially beyond such silly little labels.
34.) Keep addressing the brain fog directly if you want to overcome it. Remember what James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
7-10-2024 Journal entries (seemingly almost out of nowhere feeling incredible, it’s like I know why I feel better but it’s beyond words, I can’t really describe it, but these entries give you some idea):
(Before feeling that bliss again):
Talk to yourself more often, internally, not just thru text; just like you used to before the new brain fog. You must address these deeply rooted doubts in yourself before you can be even more confident than before, such as why you’re seemingly anxious to make more art. You have a decent idea as to why, but still not the root because it still lingers. You’ll know when you got it, just like before. Open yourself up again. Don’t make art for others expectations, people have always been making art including the same kinda psychedelic stuff you make, but does that take away from your art? No. But it does in your world if you let it, which is just silly to do so. Keep thinking about it (no shit I will that’s what me writing this is even for (hello this is a fourth instance of myself communicating with you all how do you do (GET OUT OF HERE what the heck are you doing here me #4???? This Is supposed to be between just #0 and #1) Lol idk :3))).
(After)
1.) Be your unapologetically-goofy self, Ash/Hunter/Kai. Balance yourself. If you’re too deep in thought all the time, that’s still not really living; sometimes just go with your gut, just have fun in the moment with your friends and loved ones. For a moment there, I had felt that utmost blissful peace once more. It’s always in there somewhere, I just gotta balance it out so the image isn’t so blurry when I sometimes get confused
2.) I let go again, and I don’t even fully know how to describe how I had let it go, but I just know I did in some way, and now I feel like I have everything I could ever want once again. Thank you. Life is so strange and beautiful.
3.) Loving myself. I’ll keep figuring it all out, but also stopping my deep thought once in a while to enjoy and bask in the moment. I’ll keep trying to balance it as best as I can.
4.) Changed my shit to “WINNINGSAUCD49 $hmoney” lmao, it feels like it’s been ages since I just decided not to take things too seriously, it feels great, it feels like me.