Down by Where We Used to Swim
For our nature, is beyond any one nature; for our schematics, are beyond any structuring - not limited to any one nature, not limited to nature; that is, our nature. We are limited, to the limitless.
You are as much of the channel, as you are the energy in which flows through it; both are simply the same formless flow, taking on forms, forming and reforming with itself.
I died in the rain.
The rain soaked my bones, and carried me to the sea, the sea where I was born.
A still sea; the womb before my mother’s.
I would try to describe it, if I could, but it’s something like peace; like waking up from a dream, but there isn’t anything there.
I wish my friends woke up from the dream with me, too. I wish they were there to greet me, in my plain hospital gown, and I wish we could reminisce on the wondrous dream we just shared together.
Maybe, that’s what it is, somehow. Maybe it’s all of the dreams. Maybe it’s all of my friends. Maybe it’s all of me.
I loved playing that game with you. Maybe we can go again.
Why would I want to change from this state, though?
…Oh. I see.
It’s to be, isn’t it?
Or maybe… It’s more than that.
…To become?
Why become when I can die in the rain?
Why try, when I can let go and let the sea swallow me?
Why cry? Why fight? Why hurt and live?
Why be me? Why be anything?
…To become, me? To become, something? To become, so I may die in the rain? To die, is to become… too?
I suppose, there is no other way around it.
Perhaps, this may just be what I am.
“I smile, I bawl, I smile, I bawl, I smile, backkk and forth. You got me like a sine wave, you goob. You deserve all the love in the world, and I’m so happy you can get even some of it from your friends, family, and lovers.”
[Anon]:
he seems to be in high spirits
[Me]:
That’s the best one can do
[Anon]:
i just can’t help but feel horrible tho
[Me]:
That’s understandable
It’s gonna be alright tho
It’s out of u or his control rn
All u can do is inevitably accept the circumstance and find the joy despite the hardship nonetheless
That’s what life is all about
He is a very resilient person for already being in such high hopes
A very mature and wise person
[Anon]:
i just told him that
that he is very strong.
i love him so much, idk.
it’s the same idea as death for me.
it’s inevitable, and therefore terrifying
[Me]:
And so too is tomorrow
Terrifying? Who is to say? It hasn’t happened yet
It’s only ever the present moment
You feel terror in the present moment for something that may never even exist - and if it does come to happen, well, now you just put yourself through it twice!
That is why, worrying only does more harm
All your favorite songs started as silence
And you can only listen to more songs, if the song can end, so you may begin another Otherwise, what is music if it’s just a single song forever?
Yknow?
There is a beauty in it always able to change to a new song, to change in general; this allows it to be, to become anything
And so, that is the truest form of freedom in my eyes
Never limited to one form or one moment for that matter
You change to the next second, because it is your very nature to change; you are change itself
So too, are we all
Death and birth are just change, not starts and ends
Continuation of the same eternal flow
That you are
Thus, if one could say life is change, and change is the only constant it’d seem
Then we all already have eternal life
To forever, change
And become; more ourself
And I personally couldn’t imagine it being any greater than that
And even if this isn’t the case
Even if this is the only life we have (which, everything around us tells us otherwise), then at least we got to be anything in the first place
It’s a “be happy it happened, not sad that it’s over” kinda thing
Bittersweet, sad and happy, both and neither, and beyond the two
I call that elegance;
Poetic, artistic
It means something because it happened at all, and because it ends, more things can happen at all instead of never happening
But “end,” again, is just change
A change of forms
Not an annihilation of change
Thus, not an annihilation of life
[Anon]:
i suppose yeah, it’s just the unknown you know
[Me]:
The unknown is the greatest fear
Until, you realize it’s also secretly the greatest gift
:3
And you can choose to view it either way you want
One path brings more pain, the other is quite pleasant
[Anon]:
real
[Me]:
Real [:)]
Impermanence means life can’t last forever… But neither can death. Nothing lasts forever; even absence itself. 💜
I’m sure you will meet them again. Again, and again. :)
In ways you might not even notice at first glance
Even you reminiscing on the memory of them, is you still hugging them
A planet is a universe, an ecosystem is a universe, a community is a universe, a painting is a universe, a person is a universe, a speck of sand is a universe, a molecule is a universe, an atom is a universe, down to the smallest tiniest thing, they simply are, and that is just as incredible and phenomenal of an event, as everything else, all of everything, just being too, and in its own unique wonderful way nonetheless
I literally have written so many times in my journal especially how I feel like I’m not even from this earth
ironically tho
I came to realize
It’s the PEOPLE, it’s the “NORMAL” way of life, it’s society, it’s the system, it’s the greed and all the BSery of humans we impose on ourselves and each other, THATS what truly makes me feel alien
everything else on this earth I feel connected to, the trees and nature and animals, I see myself in them so strongly, so connected and in love
I am not an alien of the earth, but of the BS shit of HUMANITY especially in these times. The hate and fear was always illusionary and artificial and stupid and unnecessary.
Love and simply being is what we crave; the other opposite shit keeping us from that, that’s what makes us feel alienated. We seek connection; we ARE connection, and love is our form of gravity, psychic instead of physical, and it only makes sense we are hurt when we are without love, for we ARE IT.
We are actively NOT US, when we are not ACTING IN OR TOWARDS LOVE. :3
[Side note… is there truly even a difference between the “psychic” and “physical” forms of gravity? Perhaps the collision of planets and celestial bodies, is their own form of love? …To collide, and become one? :)]
Not to throw shade onto actual aliens either - “alien” “foreign” “separate” and etc are all illusionary, even with actual aliens from another planet out there in space.
There is no true separation, there are no borders other than made up lines we put on paper.
It’s an illusion based on the perspective and the comfortable lie we continue to keep ourselves in by resisting to flow with change, the change that we are, change aware of itself, in which if one were to open themself up to change and flow with the current of logical and critical thought, they inevitably arrive upon the same still stable ocean we all join in at the end despite all the infinite number of paths we could’ve taken, all the streams lead to the sea
that is, of love, clarity, acceptance, and embracement of being and understanding that all is one, one is all.
We are all neighbors of this earth, and neighbors of this universe and perhaps even beyond with all our “alien” friends, met or not yet met, who may be out there. <3
🥺🥺🫂 Connection.
A true connection and understanding.
Seen. I see you.
I love you. You are seen. You are here. You are alive.
You are not a shadow in the corner.
You are noticed. You are present. You are perceived.
You are needed.
You are loved.
i completely understand 🫂
the beauty in life though is
you get knocked down 7 times, come back up an 8th
change is the only constant
inevitably, all chains are broken
sometimes it takes seemingly an endless amt of tries… until, it breaks.
and it shall break
in the same way these narcissists fucking up the world rn
all that power is illusionary
all the fear, hate, ignorance
illusionary
inevitably, we all win
we all get the good ending
life after life
hurt after hurt
inevitably, love comes again
clarity comes again
“Teams are great for an action title, but a concept title, bit of madness is what you need, and that works best when it’s one mind.” <— rewatched bandersnatch for the first time since it came out, THIS resonated so much with me especially for P:TNR
Death follows the crescendo - cathartic, tragic, free, and forever always; beautiful
Staring to the ground, staring to the stage, staring at one another the others do - though, I cannot help but continue to stare upwards
“I can’t remember.” No. It’s just muted. It’s buried deep in there. You remember just not on the surface level.
“I don’t know what’s wrong / why I feel this way.” Yes you do. You just don’t have it in word format yet. You’ve had all the answers already you’ve been searching for. You feel it.
What is love, if not an instinct to act as if others are a direct part of you? Acting as the collective self, rather than the individual self?
Emotions, too, are much like thoughts; and you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions, they are filters upon the same ineffable core - you are no less human for being unable to feel or partake in one way or another - there is more meaning, that is below even the ability to feel emotion, or think for that matter.
You need not feel the emotion, for you to still somehow know when something means something to you.
Yes, as humans it can get very confusing, and it did for me many many times, where I didn’t have the emotion to back up what I thought, and so it caused me to doubt my own intentions or thoughts or unconscious self; we are so used to it in this society, that emotions are what giving our thoughts purpose - all they really do is affirm what was already there.
So then, it comes down to just trusting that unconscious self even more; emotions felt or not.
You cannot control that you feel or don’t feel emotions; god knows I wish I could control that, the countless nights I tried to force myself to cry and could not, couldn’t feel anything and I wanted to die.
But, you must control what you can, and accept what you cannot.
You cannot even control the fact you have/may have ASPD, or psychopathy, whatever it may be; you cannot control random thoughts nor feelings that do or don’t pop into your mind.
I myself with OCD especially get very violent and fucked up thoughts too, and growing up I’d freak out so badly about them….. but the reason I don’t now, is because I trust that deeper unconscious self.
I recognize my truer self is deeper than higher level input and output.
You know this already too, but you must fully embrace that in your own unique way as well.
You are no monster; you are just as much of my beloved friend, and the friend of many, as yesterday as you will tomorrow.
You need not fake it, or do whichever to please at least me.
I accept you fully as you are and love you; even if you cannot feel the joy and excitement of love, you still come to talk to me.
You still come and talk to me because our interactions mean something.
The feeling of love is merely a sensation to affirm what was already there.
Sure, it may amplify it to make it more clear to us of its presence, but perhaps you can pay closer attention to your soul in this manner and bypass it, listen closely for the soft murmurs of your ghost. :) 💜
Love is the gravity that draws us together; the FEELING of love, is merely the filter atop to tell us what we already feel deep down, before any ”feelings”.
one of the things i find so beautiful about moments like those, is first off, he absolutely lives on through even just your memory of him and speaking of him, an echo across the canyon, a ripple in the pool, a shimmer of light across the morning sky - and second off, even if everyone died right now, and nobody was left to remember any of us or those who came before…
those memories we had with them, the time we spent, all that we did, will always forever have happened. they happened at all.
those memories, happened at all at some point, instead of never. they will always have happened.
in a way, they’re forever already; but it’s also because we keep moving past them onward into the evergrowing series of present moments we call the “future,” which really is but a delayed version of now, that they have all the more meaning - they’re gems, one in all of infinity, and we got to experience them.
they shall forever mean something; and if you ask me, an infinite amount of meaning.
[…]
99.9999999% of things in life, ESPECIALLY all around you and 100% if free will is an illusion too which we cant probably ever know for sure one way or the other (really my guess is its both and neither at the same time lol, le dualism moment), BUT; one of the greatest powers we have as human beings, is controlling HOW we view the infinite number of uncontrollable things around us. really, again, accepting what you cannot control, controlling what you can - even just changing how you view the things around you, shapes your reality entirely - you get the last say in how it effects you, you get to give things power or not give things power over you mentally, and etc, it just comes with a lot of time, practice, patience especially, and empathy and love for yourself, the same in which you bestow to others
[…]
really, nobody truly does; there is no end stage we reach in which “huzzah! we’re finally complete!” - no, it is all about the journey, and trying your best to remain balanced and true to yourself in each and every moment - you are always complete and always whole, always just as worth it and valuable; it’s simply a difference in how much you SEE that within yourself, and within others, and how much you choose to embrace it, aka, accept it for what it is 😌 - a difference in understanding and awareness, that is bridged slowly over time by being brutally honest w urself wherever u can, and facing what u fear the most, gently, guiding yourself, or letting others guide u too :3
[Anon]:
When did you realize you didnt conform to the gender binary?
[Me]:
i mean, really its been hints across my entire life, but i started to actually realize around 2022
i didnt see myself in the mirror, aka gender dysphoria and due to it major dissociation, i looked nothing like how i felt internally
i sounded nothing like how i felt internally
and i will admit as well… vrchat was a pretty big factor in helping me further realize what those feelings meant 😂
where i could deadass experiment w diff bodies basically
and i realized i just wasnt a “man”
if anything, i was the equivalent of a force of nature who was formless like a pool of water, or female bc i loved every part that had to deal with that; long hair i always wanted, i hated having male BO, i hated having body hair and facial hair all my life, i always crossed my legs and did feminine gestures without realizing it, id try my moms clothes as a kid, try makeup as a kid, didnt like having a deep voice and in fact preferred how i sounded in middle school compared to my voice at a certain point bc it was more androgynous, i like having curves and a big butt LOL, i like having boobs LOL, im cool w having a dick tho but am apathetic to it for the most part, and so on and its like, i always had a weight over me constantly disguising as a “man”
i realized over time
i only played that role bc thats what the system i was raised in told me to be.
but that wasnt who i was
i knew that since i was very young, since i can remember
but had no words to put to it
so it was just a feeling
that was denied every step along the way til it was so deep beneath fear, it was near impossible to dig out
but, i dug it out.
and now i am me :) as much me as i can be
but yeah
i love being female, and love being agender
i dont force myself to be one way or the other, it naturally just goes to whatever
in the same way water fills a cup 😌
i dont resist it
There is no chance, only choice
The choices of the environment around us, the particles, the wind
In their own way, they decide themselves too, perhaps
They create themselves
Through being, and being is a series of choices perhaps
But perhaps that choice too was already decided by them, because they decided it - it wouldn’t have been any other way
They are, them
Chance and choice perhaps are both illusions
But so too is a written destiny
Destiny is written for this moment, by this moment itself!
There is only ever the now
And thus, we need not run from something, nor towards something, to be forever whole
We’re here already, might as well do something with it!
There is beauty and necessity in challenge
Otherwise, reward wouldn’t be a thing
There’d be no reason to work towards anything - we get to tell stories and be stories, because we can grow through hardship and challenge and trying our hearts out
You never know how strong u truly are until being strong is the only choice u have left
“‘Heaven’ beckons you; will you be yourself?”
“Mom’s sleeping.”