Part 1: Context

[friend]

(sends an .mp3 file, titled, “I love you”) [I will not link it here as it is her own creation, and I didn’t ask for permission to share here]

[me]

this is CRAYZ

the boss fight music that plays when ur fighting giga cyborg mr beast in the year 2090

[friend]

boss music i made for the liqour store

[me]

YOU MADE THIS?!?!?!?

YOU MADE THIS?!?!?!?!?!@?!@?!@?!@$h!@oi%k

EAIRJTKKAWERUJOHTNG4UJHWN

ONG THO [friend] THIS IS FKN PHENOMENAL

crazy inspiration that i gotta work more on my own art too 😭 🙏

[friend]

with the game in mind of course

[me]

THE GAME AS IN

:Ghoul_Happy: ⁉️

[friend]

YES PANPSYCHISM IN MIND

[me]

YOU FINNA MAKE ME CRY [friend] 🥹

[friend]

only thing i really create for rn to keep my mind involved in it

[me]

YOU CANT BE JUST MAKING KINO LIKE THIS NONCHALANTLY, ESPECIALLY FOR MY SILLY LIL THING 😭 💔 :e_pls:

[friend]

yeah i can cuh

[me]

you have no idea how inspiring that is for me

[friend]

i constantly think about it

i yearn to create for it

---

Part 2: The Arduous Process in Creating P:TNR

[me]

i saw my old post just last night abt that alpha 1.0 vid with xploshi playing in the background, and i just told myself “remember how good it felt when you first made this and posted it” and i immediately felt it again.

(The song mentioned above)

i think i just need to ride the excitement at the mere idea of bringing it to life and SEEING even tiny bits of it come to life step by step, rather than letting myself get too overwhelmed by the sheer scope and the length of the process of its creation.

I need to just fucking work on it.

I am feeling it build within me too.

the craving to create has never been stronger before in my entire life bc i feel as though ive gone so long without it. at the very least tho, i am still somewhat building towards it daily by writing lil things i wanna portray thru the game in someway in ⁠🌐-panpsychism-tnr-🌐 but, yknow, a lot of the time it feels like im going nowhere bc i dont have a physical game yet yknow - and i want that to change asap.

i want to make it a habit to work on it at least every single week, if not near daily, even if just a little.

ive been doing a lot of meditative work too, discovering things abt my past and how i operate, and im slowly building better habits, some habits i never knew the full weight behind, but having lost them, and now trying to regain them from the ground up, i have a fundamental understanding of their necessity, as well as the necessity and beauty in challenge as a whole.

i feel i am so so so very close to taking the plunge.

and by plunge, i mean a very gradual one instead of all at once like im used to and immediately burn out.

the momentum has been building, even me just writing daily in that channel; im gonna start coding regularly again, especially once i get a remote tech job, and im also working on better sleep, eating only organic, seeking out challenge intentionally, facing fears deliberately, etc.

i dont wanna let any of you down, including me.

i want this to exist so bad to where it hurts, and someday it will.

also side note

i recently also dumped like AN HOUR worth of sharing abt panpsychism lore to

@[friend 2] over dm, and that also felt fantastic :) got it fresh in my mind again

im getting better at letting words just bounce off me too

i got so many nice comments on that post [the previously mentioned “old post”], and abt the game, but i got a single one that said something like “boring, another basic quake-like fps game. when can someone make something original?” and that fucked me up, despite how stupid i knew it was, how little they knew of my game and my work i put into it, and how hard i tried to not let it fuck me up.

im like a sponge if it was a person, i absorb everything and chew on it all and take it to heart, even when i dont want to -

thats probably why i even got to where i am now w my worldview, but that also makes me very cognitively dissonant, and inconsistent, which i am working to have better control over by focusing on understanding how it works and why, so i can be the most consistent ive ever been -

perhaps the solution ive been looking for all along, is being consistently “inconsistent,” being consistently my inconsistent self, being consistent in making my inconsistent crazy art, etc -

maybe theres a power i can tap into there, i can take advantage of.

@[friend 3] and i especially spoke abt this in the car a while back, where although ADHD is dogshit, i got thru college with a near 4.0.

I can do shit still.

I can make shit.

I’ve made hundreds of videos since 6th grade, I’ve made hundreds of works of art and etc, I can do anything I put my mind to, genuinely (same with anyone else), im still just discovering myself (but arent we all always lol)

and with panpsychism itself too, its a game i wanna make the equivalent of like a bhagavad gita in video game format, a hieronymus bosch’s garden of heavenly delights in game format, i want it to be my masterpiece, my magnum opus, i want it to be the best i can fucking make it - but it’s also my FIRST big longterm passion project of my life.

i simply cannot expect perfection, even after a million years, thats also one of the primary lessons OF the game itself, too.

i need to realize that truly and embrace imperfection.

I need to embrace wabi sabi.

I need to just be me, and try my best, and not kill myself over trying to increase my ability of “my best” endlessly to where its never created

It’s just gotta be made.

Even just a doghist version of it existing, is far more malleable than nothingness

I could just fix it up

It’s just been so hard this past year, ever since trump got inaugarated, ive been in my activist era where im learning so many things out of nowhere, thrusted into the revolution basically, and so now its like finding a brand new crazy balance between tryna help ppl as big as possible, but also giving myself enough to where i can like, manage myself, do what i wanna do as this gentle and secluded giant i really am.

i dont care to be remembered as some legendary hero, or some masterful artist, i just want to create this so i can say it at some point existed, much like my life, too.

i want my values to be my actions, i want my love to be shown on the external through every medium, i want to speak song through my words, i want to give as much of that beauty i can feel and see to as many people out there as possible, because everyone deserves to see it for themselves in their own way, and their own beauty thats always been there and always will be there within themselves, too.

And I really want to say as well [friend], thank you.

Thank you so much for believing in me, to the point where you’re making larger things than sometimes I can ever even imagine myself making ever again.

I want to and need to and will inevitably break free of this self imposed mental prison, and i hope sometime very soon.

[friend 2]

dont get too in your head about expectations i guarantee anyone who’s opinion matters to you will not be disappointed no matter what it ends up looking like. even if its never finished

creation itself is to be celebrated. just keep being and we will keep cheering

“All the love, is right here.”

“God, I love my friends beyond words.”