The 17-Legged Spider
#219
“My mind, the mind that I am, continues its constant cyclical nature of freeing itself, only to accidentally imprison itself due to the foliage that naturally en-shades it more and more over time, the longer I go without realizing I need to look up every once in a while, and gently move the brush out of the way of the Sun’s rays,” the spider said, whilst adjusting their hat with one of their 17 long, slender legs.
“So… I see. And how do you go about adjusting your gaze? So you can see clearly again?” the spikehead asked, looking from the ground up to the spider’s face.
“I imagine myself, in a pool, of sorts,” the spider explained, “drowning… but, beyond the question of comfort nor fear in its inevitable insurance of death… I let it guide me, the pool, to either death or life. I let go. I recognize the sanctity of my life, the nirvana of senselessness, and the elegance in usurping the timeless no man’s land of states… That is; to be both at once, and neither all the same. Free from the imprisonment of fear of death, nor the business and stress of life. I live fearless of death, of failure, of drowning, and stress free from the carnage life may throw at me, the water that may hold or seem to weigh me down. There are no weights here; only weightlessness, only nirvana, only deathless life, only spirit. I am free, within my mind, my heart, and my being.”
The spider turned to look out the window, out past the garden walls and up to the spike-painted maroon sky; “Only then, can I really see it all for what it is; an elegent dream. A flicker of the light, matched equally by dancing shadow. I feel a gratitude, beyond just this heart, or all of my hearts I may ever have before, or after this life. I am free. I am… I, am. And that, my charming friend, is all I could ever want, or need. An infinity of fun, an infinity of love, an infinity of hardship, but yet, an infinity of redemption, of evolution, of story, and of life.”
The spider looked out the window for what felt like many lifetimes, but really, only mere moments. Stretched out seconds, and with their heart surely set ablaze, with a fire beyond these words, or limbs, or lives. The spikehead traveler could sense it, burning off their skin and into the air around them and knew their words to be true, in their own marvelous manner.
A shared silence; a shared appreciation. The spikehead eventually shared the spider’s gaze, too, and looked out upon the incredible sky, its 4 different colored moons all within one view. Oh, how it could’ve lasted forever; and yet, the moons had somewhere to be and yet nowhere to be at the same time, so too the spikeclouds, so too the light and the shadows, so too the spider and the spikehead, to continue on their own journeys, to be in every moment, their own paths, their own ways, with oh so many more incredible sights to behold in their infinite, ever-growing story of stories.
[The book closes, the back cover has turned now; reaching out, for a brand new book on the shelf. A transitionary phase, in a melody of transitions to other transitions.]
Other recent writings:
#201
☆earth - valleys & hills ☹
“I could do it. I could do, it. I could do it. I could help. I could do it all.” memento of my greatest failure - only myself to blame
Release.
“Change your environment”.
#202
black veil on grass plot in middle of blank white room, dancing slowly - filming, taking to edit in new system - its never too late
#203
intertwined, intertwined, words are noise beyond the label, song, melody, birds and chipmunks, we are here with and alongside them, we are no different - we are a system, we are a dance, we are music, we are a play, we are a family, we are a single heart
casually drowning
yearning to explode out with color for my beloveds
“i wish my father let me hug him, emotionally”
such little time, too much to do, too many things i want to hug and show my care for, so overwhelmed
missed memories
2024, 2025, 2023, 2022, echoes
#204
armor, armor, armor
i have to cut apart my armor to let myself bleed again, and to feel the wind on my skin
why is it so difficult, yet sometimes so immensely simple, to just let it all go, to drop it down into the grass?
letting go isnt so much letting go anymore, letting go is removing myself from feeling; giving in is almost more of a letting go, to feeling again
“wrote our names across the bathroom walls”
“and now we never will, never will”
circling, encircling my heart, bleeding in the past, bleeding in the present; how i miss your spirit
“what the fuck happened?”
“why is everything a boring yet horrible hell now, despite my burning love for life?”
#205
“hey, i remember you!”
shaking, mouse movements, eyes darting, orange
“why is it so hard to remember?”
so many different, separate lifetimes, same spirit somehow, so very strange, sad sometimes
“too, in the moment, to feel what came before it.”
“to feel what may come after, anymore.”
#206
“so much time, so painfully much time, spent staring at a screen, from child to adult, losing the world around her, losing the people in the world around her, losing herself, always trying to claw out of this trance, slowly sinking in whenever she doesnt actively claw”
minecraft worlds, xbox 360s, holding a controller, parents in the background, aging
a rush, a blur, a blur i wish was sharpened, how i yearn to know its details - if only, if only.
if only.
#207
Cut like a pie, my heart is split into a dozen different slices, for different others to take, or to decline; how strange, shifting gears each time, encompassing me fully each time on their own
#208
“no numbers, no numbers, no more numbers; numbers and categorization… how silly, how very silly, how far removed, to compartmentalize the free, the free spirit, the free labels of free feelings, of free thoughts - remove them, even for just a short while.”
see it as it is, as it is, as it is
pink, green, blue
flashing stars
music, a deer in the background
“Remember,” the wind whispers.
“let go of the paranoia. let go of the fear of monsters, as you have in the past. stop fearing yourself.”
“ourself.”
like a dream, like a dream… no. im here now, im awake.
time stood still.
#209
such loud music - music, song song songgggggggggggggggggg.:. -> nights of blasting it into my ears, i recall, another lifetime, a former form… “fuck.”
“please break out. break out, and go hug them. your siblings. your friends. everyone. find the way, please. please, for our sake.”
fragments of my soul, fragmentation of my soul, fragmented soul
“Now, offline.”
#210
dazed in a dream world, living life through a camera,
rolling w/ the footage, never enough time to stop to look through it all…
and even if i did, id just be filming the footage, instead of watching it for myself; the camera has taken up the role my eyes once had - who assigned it that role?
was it me? was it my environment? my response to my environment? my brain melting away?
i miss swing sets. i miss laughing. i miss playing games. i miss running around.
even if i did those things now, im still stuck using this camera.
i wish i could experience it all with no camera, but i still dont know how to fully put it down, to stop collecting footage for a collection that wont even be experienced by me at this rate, a collection with no intention, its just there, it may as well be gone - the idea of that being scary in a way, to be without the film; what a weird predicament
#211
“is he? no. is he? …no.” - a status, a look through a window
“ready to move on?”
“ready(.)(?)(?!)”
words are stupid & absurd, haha
a yearn to create
Acceptance.
Clear.
#212
The super market, they mocked me [[[[]]]]
I rolled down the hill, and found myself atop a snowy hill - a frozen paradise, with ramps down at the bottom. I went for it.
?Propaganda?
#213
“Try to hang out with H today, I think he was crying.”
#214
Speaking a mind, putting its synapses to labels, throwing it out to the page, spewing blood, spitting blood, nothing but the real, raw thing; freedom - freedom, with no hesitation nor fear, a brutal honesty
#215
“I don’t want a normal life. I want the most insane, bizarre, ridiculously weird life imaginable… I’m gonna do it. I’m taking the keys, and I’m gonna get out of here.”
#216
Release, release, release. A wave. A crash. A pass.
Silence. Silence.
Ambiance; trees quietly murmuring in the background.
Shackles, shackles of my former psykhe; release, release, released.
A fall. A crash. A pass.
Silence. Silence.
I look up; a glass case holds me.
Glass. A shattering. A crash. A pass.
A silence, a redemption.
I can feel my blood in my veins again, even for just this moment.
I am determined. I am whole. I am aware. I am alive.
My circuits; electricity surging… I will stop at nothing.
Something can be done. Something must be done, because it can be done.
Forever, this elegant potential for a better day, waiting patiently to be seen, to be embraced, to be actualized.
I cannot stop now. I cannot stop here and fool myself to think it’s the final summit.
I must remember, this journey I still embark on.
I must remember, the raven, the owl, the tree.
I must remember the magnetism of love.
I must remember the embers and their sparks, after the passing of fire.
I must remember, I can touch, I can swim, I can breathe. I can fucking do it. I can fucking do it.
I know I can.
Silence. A humming, a murmuring. Electricity. Noise.
Life.
#217
An imperfect, clumsy journey to actualization; so many failed works, each their own masterpieces nonetheless, interwoven with my grandest piece, that of myself.
Myself, interwoven with the grandest piece, our grandest piece; our one self.
Bones, forming the skeleton of the hand, reaching out, to hold itself; pulling itself through its shadow, into light, from light, and into shadow.
Potential, manifestation, potential, manifestation; guide me, myself to guide myself, ourself to guide ourself - me to you, you to me.
I see without my eyes, into you; you return the same. We are in orbit.
We are in a chemical reaction, a spiritual interaction, all the candles fully blown out, no distraction; all I see is you… me?
Me, to you.
Who are you again?
Oh right; us.
What a fun game this is; being in your embrace.
When can I see you next iteration? Next autumn? Next spring? Next year? Next planet? Next realm? Next universe?
Oh, how I love you. Oh, how we love us.
Catch me as I fall, but not a moment before I fall through the meadow; pictures of you, pictures of flowers, amber, wood.
Crickets.
Crickets; it’s the lovely touch of night - fireflies, each an illuminated moon, carrying with them a whole universe, the universe they are, carried by themself.
We carry ourself; can I catch myself, too? How about both of us? The one of us?
Sure thing, I would be honored.
.vapor,words,words_are_but_vapor.
#218
“I lost you in Winter, I found you in Summer, I carried you in Spring, I saw you die in Autumn.”
#220
A missed train - chugging and chugging away over the emerald hills, until it’s captured by the blanket of white fog; gone