We Are A River


(✿◡‿◡) Some Advice ╰( •̀ ω •́ )✧


Friend:

I’ve just been emotionally drained and my sleep already doesn’t help


Me:

Aw, I’m so sorry :(

Wanna talk about it?


Friend:

I’m just putting so much effort into wanting to make plans with this group but we play games and share some interests in stuff but it’s like I’m either talking to a wall half of the time or it’s like it gets pushed off to the side

Blehhh people

Also just losing motivation for some stuff like college and just trying with some people but I’m too tired to do it


Me:

I’m sorry about that :(

I’ve been there

SOOOOOOOOOOO many times

You have no idea

I totally get it

I kinda have the same thing going on

Not as bad as other situations in the past, but

Yeah, friend group who just

Endures my presence

But I’m not really, celebrated or wanted, kinda feeling; you know?


Friend:

Yeah it’s that exact feeling


Me:

I felt that even just today w the game jam stuff and felt really incompetent

But

The thing that especially saves u from that kinda stuff

Is really rooting and grounding yourself, in you

When no one else is ur guardian angel for years and years….. u learn to be ur own, to give urself that love and affection u always wanted; and then u can extend that outwards to everyone and everything, too :)

Far easier said than done

Just 3 hours ago I wanted to die again

But such is the duality of life

It keeps it interesting

It keeps it new

Unless we keep ourselves trapped in cycles of self despite - which is inevitably broken the more we become aware of ourself and our roots, we understand ourselves deeper, and the more you’re aware of, the more you can come to love, too


Friend:

Are you ok Kaiju?


Me:

Yeah I’m good now, doing much better

It might be the medicines I’m taking or something, my head and my heart is just really fucked up and hurting weird today

But I’ll be ok :3

I say this

As my advice to you tho

Keep facing your shadow

Your shadow is you too; and you are not your enemy, unless you keep believing yourself to be

So too for the world and all else

I still get caught up

Thinking like that sometimes

Or it has no purpose

No meaning

But life and existence is not objectively meaningful, but that doesn’t mean it’s meaningless either

It just is

Meaning only comes after stuff starts happening

We’re the meaning! And we’re the happening! …..we’re the meaning happening! :)


Friend:

For me I just wanna be more than just an extra piece I want to be useful. I don’t wanna be a second option sure it sounds dumb but I wanna feel needed and feel like I’m contributing to people


Me:

Well fun fact

You’re probably the person I’ve talked to the most since we got back in contact

So

:3

And I enjoy playing w u now the same as I did back then

Ur not intrinsically just useless or a second option

It’s just the environment you’re in

And how you view yourself, too

For 20 years of my life

I thought of myself as only ever second at best, too

But a major part was my friend group


Friend:

Yeah it’s just a whole bunch that plays into it but I don’t know bleh


Me:

Exactly

It’s a lot

It’s the hardest thing we as people can do, really

Is unraveling, untangling ourself down by the roots, and up at the surface too

You’ve got tangling in your branches, and perhaps in your roots in the soil

But

You never needed to prove your value, your depth

But the world said you had to

Doesn’t mean it’s true, it’s just the illusion we play on ourself

Each step, you’re your whole, complete self - and you change into a new, different, but still just as whole and complete version of yourself, every new instant, second, moment

You are your own change aware of itself

And so the change you want towards a better day or future or world or friends or anything….. you are the change itself, aware of itself

Like a river

A river is a river, because it is constantly flowing, constantly changing

We, are rivers through time

:3


Friend:

Thanks Kaiju


Me:

Of course :3

Anytime


Friend:

The humble waterfall 🌊


Me:

TRUE

The humble river

But yeah, that’s what life is, that’s what birth is, death is, evolution, creation, destruction, going from nothing to being something, and vice versa, the birth of everything, the birth of you, the birth of the next moment, time, entropy…… all of it? Is change. That’s what unites everything; being, and forever becoming. Death too is but another change, another continuation of the becoming :)


Friend:

Life is river we slide down the water perhaps


Me:

Exactly! :D

And better yet

We ARE the water!

We’re all those little molecules

Each molecule a person

We start in the sky, rain down on the mountaintop and we all start the same way, at a lake together at the top, zero knowledge and understanding as babies, then we flow down from the mountain, us all taking different streams, some rivers, some only trickles and niche, all sorts of areas until we eventually meet again down in the ocean…. Until we’re precipitated back on up into the clouds again, to rain down, and start all over again in a brain new path down to the ocean, and yet, we’re still the same water molecule regardless, just goin again! A new path to explore! :)


Friend:

Hell yeah


Me:

:3

And

That analogy works for like really anything

It’s change, again, that’s all it is

The cycle of change; it doesn’t repeat, but it does rhyme

Like history

Like each day

Like each year

Like each person

Like each living thing

Like every thing

Like a whole lifetime

Like stars

Like galaxies, like universes

It’s all the same core “story,” just told in a new beautiful, unique way

In our modern day, we try to shut ppl down saying “oh lol that’s too deep bro” or whatever, when truly, everything is that deep - if you wanna understand urself and come to love yourself as a whole? You ride down to your roots and address them head on, for example, you don’t just go without addressing ur feelings or they never go away. Want to come to love someone else as a whole? Well that’s what relationships are or even friendships or family, you know them more and more and more the more you spend time with them. Want to come to love the world, the universe, life as a whole? You have to dig to its roots and come to higher awareness so you can acknowledge and love its roots too, then! And that’s deep, so too are roots in the ground, though, and they’re just as important as the tree above ;3

Loving the full system, not just the branches

Loving the full person, not just their looks or just their social persona they play

But their heart

Their soul

But yeah :3


Friend:

Awesome sauce system


Me:

Exactly :3


Friend:

Love like no tomorrow


Me:

That’s what love is

An embracement of being

Whether it’s your being, or another’s

Or our collective us and the universe and all of everything that is all us

And the more you’re aware of, the more you come to realize exists, more that is being alongside you

Thus, the more things you can come to acknowledge and accept, eventually come to be even grateful for, and eventually, come to love as you strengthen that gratitude for their existence

:D


Friend:

Gotta love loving the stuff around you boom shakalaka


Me:

Exactly! :3

Loving love is so epic

As an end to itself

Infinite loop

Forever growing

Forever gaining more wisdom and thus awareness

Forever gaining more experience

More to come to appreciate

More that will forever have happened even when no one remembers anymore

More to come to love

We are all on a path towards higher and higher states of love

Literally just based in raw logic

:)

That’s why I like saying the spiritual and the scientific are not separate but intertwined, too!

Science is the pursuit of wisdom, wisdom grows awareness, awareness is just another word for consciousness, consciousness is just another word for soul

Wisdom grows your awareness, and thus grows your soul

Not only that, but your capacity for love too!

And I couldn’t imagine anything greater

Than what we’ve all always had all along

:D


Friend:

The river brought me back it’s like the water was speaking to me


Me:

Yes! :)

Brought you back, but not the same still

Changed

Grown

:3

But yeah

How do you feel about what all I said? What’re your immediate feelings and thoughts?

More specifically; what do you think you might be keeping yourself from out of potential fear or the past weighing you down?

Do you remain with your friend group who doesn’t treat u really as an equal out of fear of being alone? Out of fear being 1-on-1 with yourself and your thoughts again, perhaps too?

I think we kinda had this talk in the past too

We’re both in a similar situation again

Same, but different

History doesn’t repeat itself but it does rhyme


Friend:

They do treat me well I’m just afraid of being alone and not being enough for it


Me:

I know

I understand

I’ve lived it too

But, what I’m trying to say is

You are enough! :)

You’ve always been enough

It’s just how you view yourself

That weighs you down especially


Friend:

Yeah


Me:

Release your fear, by facing it directly, speaking with it, addressing the shadow and acknowledging it, and digging deeper and deeper, asking yourself questions like “Why? Why do I feel like this? When did it start? Have I always felt this way? Is it bc of my past experience? Do I want it to weigh me down any longer.. no? If not, why do I keep holding onto the fear then? How do I let go of the fear? How do I come to love myself more?”

And you’ll keep figuring yourself out more and more, and more specifically, more on why you feel like you don’t belong or you aren’t enough, when you’ve always belonged, and always have been enough, it’s just other ppl who don’t feel like they fully belong or are enough either reflect that onto other ppl as well, including u and me and so many others throughout our lives

We have to realize, too, that most ppl get it wrong

About us, especially

Really, kinda everyone gets it wrong in a way, even the ppl who know us best; and that’s because, theyve never lived exactly as us before!

And that’s why, you are the true one who defines you

And who confines you as well

How you define yourself, is how you confine yourself.

And so, keep refining your definition step by step with time

To release your weights. :)


Friend:

Thank ya Ashli


Me:

Anytime :3


Friend:

May not have the words sometimes but I’m here for ya too


Me:

I really appreciate it


Friend:

I appreciate ya for talking about the stuff going on I would say more if I could but english and words aren’t my strong suit lol

I care about ya and I appreciate you for being a friend again even though everything was rough


Me:

Of course :>

That’s what friends are for

I’ll speak the words for you when you can’t, and you’ll speak the words for me when I can’t


Friend:

Never said it better 🫂


Me:

^W^

🫂


[Couple messages later I skip for sake of their anonymity]


Me:

Real recognizes real

🐱🤝🐱

I think that this already is heaven too tbh, the before life current life and afterlife - silly reincarnation moment - when ur ignorant that it’s indeed heaven is when you are lead to believe it’s hell and view it as such and act like it is too and treat others like it is and etc - til u get more KNOWWWWLEDGEEEE and u basically remember / wake up “oh yeah lol :3”

It’s crazy how life plays out

It’s funny

Da divine comedy

(And also da divine tragedy)

But either way….. divine :3

Life moment

Existence moment

I can’t not shut up about it

I LOVE LIFE CHARLIE!!!! I LOVE LIIIIIIIIFE!!!


Friend:

I’d rather you don’t shut up about it:3!


Me:

YAY

:3

10/10/2025 4:22AM PST